Cartwheels and Somersaults

Dear Etta and Pearl

Something got to me tonight. I tried to sing it away. I tried to watch it away on old TV sitcom reruns. I tried to social media it away. And I tried to just simply bury it. But as I sat there in tears, I realized it wasn't going away and it's never going to go away.

Fear. Daddy got scared.

You two are perfect in every way. There isn't anything about you that isn't cherubic. I would literally give my breath, blood, and pulse for your sweet little faces. Tonight I reflected on what a journey it was to even have you in our lives. It wasn't easy. It was full of a lot of heartache, deeply sad times, frightening times, uncertain times, and even more heartache.  Maybe you even witnessed some of it from afar.

But all of that was worth it when phrases like "miscarriage" or "dilation and curettage" or "it didn't work" were finally traded in for phrases like "say hello to your beautiful, healthy daughter" and "she's perfect" and "I love you daddy."

And now, four years after the fact, you, Etta Marae, have more zest for life than just about anyone I've ever met. You crave adventure. You long for activity. You sing. You dance. You think you can do a cartwheel. And you make me laugh. Pearl Kay, my Little One, you are full of personality and basically love everything Etta loves. You love deep. You're compassionate. You're goofy. You think you can do a somersault.  And you love your daddy.

And as I thought about you both, that feeling of fear crept in. It seems like every morning I wake up to something in this world that scares me. It's sad and alarming to me, sure. But it scares me for what it means for you two. I don't know the answers. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I don't have the magic potion or secret sauce that will make the world safer and less fearful. But I do have a few requests that I would ask of you so that you can make YOUR world better and as a result, hopefully impact the rest of the world.

• First and foremost, Never stop believing you can do a cartwheel or a somersault. Whatever the cartwheel or somersault at that point of your life is, always believe in yourself. Fight those who will inevitably tell you that you can't do a cartwheel or somersault.  Fight for women. Know that you can do anything any boy can do. Always believe in yourself. 
• Love everyone regardless of race, color, religion, orientation or gender. Recognize that no one is labeled by anything other than a child and creation of God. Respect people. Care for people. Love people. Nothing in this world can change or improve without respect for everyone. Form your own educated opinions and values while still fighting and defending other's rights to the very same. 
• Process and grow. I wouldn't ask to shield you from the seeing the world's violence, hate, sadness, and overall tendency towards un-unification. I know you can't be shielded from these atrocities. You will someday wake up to and have to comprehend a theatre shooting notification. News of a nightclub shooting. A terrorist attack. A mass bombing. A school shooting. A robbery. You will undoubtedly watch politicians use each sad event as speaking points. Please process these things. Find the good in what people say. Find the helpers. Please  grow from these things. Find a desire to change the world from these moments. Stay so very far away from the ugly emotion of hate that has filled our streets, homes, schools, and even political worlds. 
• Be safe.  Create a world where you run around your yard without the fear of someone taking you. Play at the park without looking over their shoulders. Help create a world where schools spend more time playing, learning, exploring, and adventuring and less time on  lockdown drills and practice being quiet while hiding in the classroom. 
• Love yourselves in a world full of people who feel so much hate towards other people because they don't love themselves. Be proud of yourselves.  Never lose that proud look and smile after accomplishments. 
• Realize who you are. See the miracle of yourselves. 

 Never, not once, close your eyes at night or open your eyes in the morning ever wondering if your daddy loves you. I will make that clear. I'll trade yelling for nurturing tones. I'll trade timeouts for hugs. I'll trade threats for lessons.

Be better than me. Don't let this world make you jaded. Avoid cynicism at all costs. Don't ever stop looking for the good. Don't ever stop believing in people. In humanity. Don't ever stop believing in yourself--and in your cartwheels and somersaults.

I love you.

Daddy