Dear God, Please Help

Editors Note: Belief in God is a personal choice. I have friends who don't share that choice with me. I love them and respect them. This post centers on God. 

I've started and deleted this blogpost a dozen times tonight. I've written paragraphs. And I've deleted those paragraphs. I've cried. I've mourned. I've looked through photo slideshows. I've read articles. I've watched videos.

And yet, I can't figure out how to put my emotions into words. A Utah Jazz beat writer, Jody Gennesy, wrote a wonderful piece on the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy, and I echo every single one of his sentiments.

Then, as I learned more about the tragedy in Connecticut this afternoon, my thoughts turned to my daughter. My thoughts turned to the little six-month old blessing that sleeps in the room next to me. My mind wandered to her smile. Her laugh. Her cries. Her eyes. Her hands.

I longed to hug her. I needed to hold her. I needed to see her.

I thought of those that I love dearly. I thought of my nieces who were on an airplane coming to visit. I thought of my nephews. I thought of my nephew who is due this week. I thought of the world he was coming to. I thought of the phone call I had earlier in the day with my friend Cora--a kindergartner herself. She asked for my address so she could mail a letter to our family dog. I gave her my address. She said she loved me. I told her I loved her too.

I thought of her sister, Penny. I smiled.

I thought of our friends, Olivia and Hannah--both elementary school children. I thought about their families. I thought about how much I enjoy their visits. I thought of all my friends with young children. My friends who take so much pride in their children's accomplishments. My friends whose eyes light up when talking about their kids or their nieces or their nephews.

I finished work. Got in my car. Drove to my mother's home eagerly--to pick up Etta. I fought back tears pulling into the driveway. I fought back tears walking to their door. And I fought back tears as she reached for me when I walked in the room.

I held her. Kissed her. Hugged her. Laughed with her. Smiled with her.

I thought about how she wasn't aware of what happened across the country.

Then, I thought about how she was one person I know who has more insight to where these young shooting victims now were.

Then I thought about God. Certainly He was pained as these young children were taken from their families in such a senseless act of violence. Certainly He wept. Certainly He hurt. He had to have put His hands to His face as these children's lives were cut short. He had to have been in pain as He watched another one of His creations exercise agency in such a heinous way.

Then I thought about His reunion with each of those children. I thought about Heaven's newest additions. I thought about God meeting each child with a hug. A kiss. And a smile.

I acknowledge God's hand in so many things in my life and in the lives of those I love. I think He loves to help His children. I think He helps His children all the time. I think He is there even when I'm not seeking Him out.

Then I stared at a blank page and composed a letter. A letter to God. A request for continued help.

Dear God, 

Please help. 

Please help those families whose homes feel empty tonight. Please help those mothers and fathers who have one less tucking in to do tonight. One less bedtime story to read tonight. One less set of teeth to remind they need brushing. One less goodnight kiss. 

Please help their hearts. Please help their spirits. Please help. 

Please help us all put aside our differences. Please help us all mourn together. Comfort each other. Smile at each other. Help each other. Love each other. Be there for each other. Be tolerant of each other. Be friends. 

Please help us recognize our blessings. Please help us take nothing for granted. Please help. 

Please help our society come together. Please help our leaders. Please help our future. Please help. 

Please help, 

Me

"Don't Give Up, Don't Ever Give Up."

"Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It can not touch my mind. It can not touch my heart. And it can not touch my soul." -Jim Valvano-

This evening as I was sitting downstairs with Annie and our nearly permanent house guest Tyson (who we love), I saw that the Monday Night Football crew was reminding their viewers that this week was Jimmy V Cancer Research Week and I instantly thought of one of the most stirring speeches and moments I've ever heard and seen--a speech that makes me literally weep when I watch it.

Lots of emotions run through my mind when I think of this speech, and I don't really know where to start when I think about writing them all down.

I think of a very sweet co-worker/friend who is taking on cancer right now and she's giving it everything she has. She's fighting so hard.

I think of some of my best friends who I know are struggling with an array of things in their lives. I love these people like family and I hurt when they hurt--even if I don't always show it.

I think of those I know that have lost little ones in recent times, and who continue to be examples to me of never giving up.

I think of my family.

I think of Etta.

Then, I think of this quote from Valvano. "Don't give up, don't ever give up."

While I'm not battling many of the things my close friends and family are or have, I still have daily battles in my mind and my moments of giving up on certain things seem more and more frequent.

And it takes a quote and a speech like this to help me keep perspective. Valvano delivered a speech at the 1993 ESPY Awards that has created a legacy. The entire speech can be found here, and if you find yourself with 11-12 minutes, I suggest sitting down and watching the speech in full.

But if you only have a couple minutes, then please watch this two minute clip as people remember that moment and some of the most inspiring lines ever delivered from a podium are shared (if it doesn't play embedded here, click the YouTube icon to watch it in YouTube where it will work). 

If you aren't familiar with Jim Valvano, please visit the website for more information on the inspiring coach and his foundation.

In the full speech, Valvano gives three suggestions that every one should do every day.

1. Laugh-I love that the first suggestion he gives to everyone is to laugh. This is a man who would die less than two months after giving this speech. A man who knew that there would be no cure in his lifetime, but who wanted a cure so badly for future generations. A man who stared death in the face. And he laughed daily. It was the first suggestion he gave to people.

Today, I walked in the house after work, put my keys on the table and turned around to a smiling Etta playing on her toy and watching me. I laughed. And not a boisterous or out of control laugh. It was a simple laugh, but it was a real laugh. A genuine laugh. It was the kind of laugh that I believe Valvano was suggesting we have each day. Annie walked in the room and Etta lit up, like she always does around Annie, we both laughed real laughs.

2. Think-Valvano said that everyone should spend some time in thought each day. I wonder what my thoughts would be like if  I was faced with his situation or my co-worker/friend's situation. How would I react in my mind? I believe that Valvano's moments of thoughts were clear and I know my co-worker/friend finds absolute clarity in her thoughts.

After laughing with Etta post-work. I stared at her. I ran my hand through her hair. I tickled her neck and squeezed her cheeks. And I thought. I thought real hard. I thought about the kind of dad I currently am and the kind of dad I want to be. I thought about providing for her. I thought about my career. I thought about where I was going. I thought about what our relationship will be like as she grows older. I thought about how I can ensure that relationship is strong. And for the first time all day, I thought about NOT giving up. It's so easy for me to give up these days at work. It's so easy for me to quit fighting that sometimes the thoughts of giving up can cause me to be lethargic and depressed, quite frankly. But when I sat there with Etta, I realized that giving up is simply not an option. Regardless of my state of mind at work, church or whatever, giving up is not an option. It wasn't an option for Valvano and it's not an option for me. It can't be.

3. Have your emotions moved to tears-Valvano suggested that everyone cry every day. He suggested that we all find something that moves our emotions to tears. At first I thought how easy it must have been for him to find something that causes his emotions to move to tears when staring death in the eye. But I don't think his physical status had anything to do with his emotions being moved to tears.

A couple of my really good friends pride themselves on not crying. However, I've seen them both cry at different times over the last little while. They may not know it or have realized it, but their moments of emotions moving them to tears triggered my emotions that, at some point, moved me to tears, and I'm thankful to them for that. I truly think Valvano knew that when our emotions are moved to tears, it's not always only a good thing for us--but for those around us. The other night Annie was telling me about a lady she knows who has a baby grandchild that is really struggling physically and is in and out of the ICU. Annie's emotions were moved to tears because of gratitude for Etta's well-being. This caused me to tear up. And I think it caused us both to offer a silent thanks for our little girl.

After laughing and thinking while sitting next to Etta this evening, my emotions moved me to tear up (literally, how could they not? Look at her!). I caught myself before the water works completely set in, but I wish I wouldn't have. I wish I would have let the tears flow. There were a variety of reasons for my emotions being moved to tears and I should have let them move. The overwhelming reason was Etta. She brings so much happiness to our home. She's everything.

I'm so thankful to have come across the Jim Valvano speech again. I watch it at least once a year, usually during this Jimmy V Week, and each time I watch it, I resolve to have more resolve, and I needed that today.

Sometimes I just want to hug my friends or family that I know are going through some difficult times in their respective lives. Other times I want to shake them violently and literally grab their eye lids and open them (I realize that the latter is not a good approach).

Then I realize that perhaps, at times, they want to do the same thing to me. Perhaps at times, they feel that I've given up. And sometimes, maybe they're right.

I think what I need to do is think of Jimmy V. Look myself in the mirror. Hug myself as I go through difficult times. And, if needs be, shake my face violently and literally grab my eye lids and open them to all the blessings I have.

"Don't give up, don't ever give up."